1 Step forward and 2 steps back

1 Step forward and 2 steps back

Today we dance the real life tango!

I know I said I wanted to dance George, but for crying out loud does it have to be the real life tango again? Seriously, I had enough of the constant 1 step forward and 2 steps back, dip and hold on tight so you don’t fall in 2016. I was hoping for better in 2017, but yeah you just had to go and see how much this little ole me can take and overcome.

Seriously, I am putting the Universe on notice. I’ve had enough with the stress for a while. I am resigning! There! I resign, find someone else to fuck with and stress out for a while… What I can’t resign? Well hell… grumbles and walks away muttering to self.

So 2017 started out decent for all of about 10 days and then slam bam it all started sliding down the hill again. In the meantime people whom I am dealing with online in my business persona (yes that one) don’t understand why I really have no energy for sympathy left. Especially when it is about some seriously shallow stuff. Like what the world is falling apart because you can’t get your new IPhone and I am supposed to feel sorry for you? I know each person has a different level of drama and what they see as a life crisis but at this point my bar is pretty high.

Here is what’s going on if you are interested. Might grab yourself a cup of coffee or tea, hell make it a glass of wine, I actually finally gave in and got snookered last night. Of course you’d have to understand first that I don’t drink more then maybe 1/2 glass of red wine every blue moon. So for me to get snookered takes little alcohol but a serious level of “I’ve had the fuck enough already and need to stop thinking and nothing else is working anymore, so hand me the bottle!” Yeah that type of thing.

So one of the major ways I usually make money is by filming and photos. Yes even with my older and bigger appearance I still sell clips and photos pretty well. They are a good quick income for me especially when I need it to be fast and right now. Only now I can’t do either.

Why you ask? Well because I need Dental Surgery to the tune of $6800 minimum (and that is going the all time cheapest route possible) and then add that one of the teeth that has broken is right smack in the front where if I smile I look like a character from a Hillbilly Cartoon the humiliation version. It’s terrible! ūüôĀ No I don’t have Dental Insurance and no after the last year I certainly don’t have that left in my savings either. As I honestly said 2016 just about tried to see how close it could get to killing me.

But wait there is more, as the saying goes. Because you know that’s not enough (Roars in laughter so I don’t cry). All that stress that I have been under for several months now and couldn’t really talk about because of you know what I do as my primary income (we are all so bloody perfect and never have any problems) I started not just breaking out in Hives all over my body but literally got to the point that I now have bruises and gauges from stress scratching all over my body. No matter how much I try after a while I end up clawing myself or have, I finally got it mostly under control but now they have to heal and that does not look nice.

For someone who at least needs to look put together this is terrifying.

I did start my new Arts and Crafts Business but so far I am just at the beginning which means not much coming in from that end yet. I think I made a total of $75 so far. Total output for materials out of pocket thankfully is only $300 so I am not going that far behind.

At the moment I am sitting here and going well hell I need to make about $10,000 in less then 1 month to pull this mess out of the hell I call life, and at this point I really don’t see that happening. So trying to stay sane is top priority right now and yes that means I am sorry but I really have about no sympathy for self-induced drama.

By the way, have you ever noticed that once you have entered a downward spiral it just keeps on going? It’s as if you are in the outer rim of the Tornado and you just keep getting flung back and forth, round and round, and just can’t seem to stop.

I was talking to one of the Ladies where I am currently staying at while I was having my wine and finally confessed what was all going on in my little world. Yeah normally I keep my woes to myself, nobody really wants to hear another person whining about tough times. They love to see drama, but they don’t want to hear someone really having problems and needing some help. Unless of course it benefits a cause of some kind and I don’t qualify for any cause. I am just a regular every day human being like everyone else. *Shrugs*. Did that come out a little bitter? Yeah maybe it is, because the funny part that nobody ever wants to admit to is that unless you belong to some special group or some minority cause NOBODY gives a fuck about you and no NOBODY wants to step up and help you out. Why should say, supposedly you have all those special privileges which hello I am still searching for. Either way that’s not here nor there.

It was actually really funny when I walked up and asked her if she had a glass of wine for me. I am known for not drinking and she goes, I sure do and I have Beer too if you want it. No thanks, I know a German born woman not liking beer? Stop the press, but I never really took to the taste. If I drink I drink wine.

So after a while she went… Spill it. What is going on with you? You look as if you are about to collapse. So I told her just how screwed up things have gotten and that no I don’t qualify for any financial aid from anywhere. As I said, it’s funny when you hear the facts of life as a regular person.

Her question was.. So what are you going to do now? Do you have family you can ask for help or depend on? The answer is no and honestly I don’t have anyone I can go to either. I laughed (I always laugh when I am at my wits end, because honestly I have no tears left to cry. They stopped flowing month ago. ) and answered.

I am going to do whatever I can to pull myself out of this hell that I am in. I am going to work as hard as I can, as much as I can, and I am going to try to stay as positive as I can. I am going to do the same thing I have done all my life. Work hard so I can survive and hopefully get ahead without harming anyone in the process or doing anything that I shouldn’t be doing by law.

I am going to be a mature adult as I should be and I will continue to hope that somehow, somewhere, I still have a little good karma left which I’ve earned by doing the best I can in my life, and get the opportunities I need to pull through. That’s all I can do, but it’s how the real world operates.

I know she looked at me a little funny and didn’t say anything besides “Well keep your chin up hon.”

What else could she really say. I do appreciate her wishing me luck just like everyone else wishes me luck. Luck, good fortune, who knows maybe it will help.

In the meantime so instead of hoping for a miracle to drop into my lap, I am trying to be proactive about things. I have started my www.flawedtreasures.com blog (My handmade items blog) and started to add a couple things to my Store where I sell my items.

Here is a little example:

I have several items to add yet and I will be going to the Crafts Sale here are the RV Park again tomorrow. Hopefully I’ll have more luck then last time. I do have some really amazing things this time around so.

Oh I do want to show you this one so. That one was a customized freestyle doily that I sold. Yes, I do things like that too…

Isn’t it beautiful? So yes, I am being proactive and I am doing the best I can. I am working on books and stories and more. Who knows what will happen, but I have to believe that hard work still gets rewarded even in this time and age. I just have to.

Thanks for reading and I hope to have better updates soon.

XOXO
Regina

Life changes changes your life

Oh George, right now I wish you could come out of the Pages of this book and give me a hug. I could use the strength of a couple loving arms around me as I undergo these changes in my life!

I know that all of these changes are good and positive ones, but it is really hard to go and start over once again. It’s difficult to let go and to accept the necessary changes that come with your life changing.

It’s not easy to have to learn so many lessons all at once and dealing with uncertainty. George, I have never been good with feeling as if I am out of control in any Situation. We both know I am a bit of a control freak, and that being in charge comes natural to me. Now so, I have to sit back and just let things play them-selves out while I do what I must.

Life changes – changes your life! There are no two ways around it and regardless of what your life looks like right now, there will come a time when everything you believe in right now will be challenged. Not just challenged, that’s not a strong enough word to use, but torn apart and shredded right before your very eyes.

The funny thing about life is that those moments don’t just happen once in your life and they are done. Oh no, they happen repeatedly and usually always around the junction of slipping into the next stage of your life. You always know when they are about to wind up to move in and stay a while with you too. You can feel them coming.

Usually it’s a strange feeling of “waiting” for something without knowing what you are waiting for. A pressure in your mind and soul, a feeling of being rather antsy and a being uncomfortable in your own skin.

Now here I could make a really bad joke and say:

Don’t worry, there is a pill for that too. You can just get it medicated out of you!

…but you know what, there isn’t a pill in this world that will stop what is coming. You can take something to get rid of the feelings of unease that is settling over you at this point, but it won’t stop what you really should be fully functional and clear minded to encounter. It’s your life getting ready to change, and let’s be honest nobody is ever truly comfortable with changes in them-selves and their personal life. We want everyone else around us to change to suit our needs, but we don’t enjoy changing our-selves one bit. It’s just being human, we are selfish buggers.

The older we get the more monumental those changes become, which again is completely natural. Our bodies change, our outlooks change as our experience levels grow, our personal meters of how much BS we can tolerate become a lot smaller, and we learn that “your reality and my reality” may not be the same reality at all, which makes reality pretty unrealistic and fluid in the big scheme of things.

The point is that as we grow up, grow older, grow maturer, and hopefully grow wiser (that’s not guaranteed either), we are starting to see things from an entirely different point of view. We stop being ideological and begin being “realistic” and more in keeping with the nature of existence in this world. We begin to see things for ourselves (hopefully) rather then follow a new trend, chasing after the next new movement, or worrying about everyone else business. Instead we begin to look within ourselves and start the probably hardest journey we will EVER undertake.

The Journey into ourselves. Looking internally to our own flaws, our own fears, our own misconceptions, or our own lies we tell ourselves and others. We look inside of us to our own dreams which we are afraid to acknowledge, our own mistakes, our own responsibilities we have neglected, and more. We look inside, instead of outward. We begin to realize that instead of marching the streets to change the world, we need to march into ourselves and begin the changes there.

It always starts with ourselves and if we as the individual change to our true nature (whatever that might mean to you) instead of trying to be popular or in the eyes of the world of someone who has fought to make a difference, our world actually would change without any need to shed blood or attack on each other. I know you don’t see how that can happen, but trust me it does work just like that.

If you get people who actually look within and become ok with them-selves, become their genuine self, embrace them-selves fully with all their flaws and strength, in the same room together, there are no fights, no arguments, no hate, no finger pointing, because they have nothing to proof to anyone and don’t need to feel “superior” to anyone else. They have achieved a level of inner peace that radiates out to other people.

Of course, it is oh so hard to peel those layers back and face that Monster that lives inside of us. Problem is that we are conditioned to see it as a Monster, but honestly there are very few true Monsters in this world. Most of us are just a little lost and conditioned to self-loathing for being human and different from one another. Which ironically makes most of us pretty much the same at the core of things. If we are all different and all human, we are all in the same boat as well just trying to make it to the shore. It’s an ironic circle that spins around on itself and can only stop with each individual doing the work on them-selves.

Let me ask you this. How many times have you broken up with someone and used the phrase: “It’s not you, it’s me. I need to go and find myself!” It’s a good old letting someone down easy when you just no longer feel like being with them. The irony is that when you use that phrase at least the very first part of it is very true. It really isn’t them, it is you who is ready to just move on for whatever reason from being part of a unit with this other human being. The other part is a bit of a stretch. You don’t need to be alone in order to find yourself. You can find yourself by sitting silently and going within on your very own living room couch or bed.

Each stage of our life comes with a change and boy can they rattle your chains when they happen. Right now I am going through a life change which I know I am not even due for yet and shouldn’t be due for for at least another 20 years or so. Regardless of what I think however, it is happening now and I must deal with it as best as I can. Understanding what is happening to me right now and that it is important that I go within and not struggle too much makes it easier actually. Oh sure I would love to be held through those, cry many tears of frustrations because I don’t like being out of control, but in the end I know it’s something I must get through and will be much better for it after. I have a job to do and this is my “training for that job period”. Haha… no benefits either, go figure.

When the Universe accelerates the changes within you and brings them closer and faster together, makes the challenges just a little more extreme then you feel you should have to undergo, it means you need to be ready to be in your place when the time comes for you to do your job. We all have one, and most of us will never be talked about in the Media or Social Media or any other place of mass acknowledgement. For most of us we will be needed to be there to help someone else in a very quiet and never to be seen and heard about way. No good guy badge for you. No revolutionary badge for you either. Nothing of the sort, that requires showboating and playing God on who is important and who is not. None of that. No “isms” at all and no cards played. Nobody will ever know what you did or are going to do for those who are needing for you to be ready.

Now before you say something here that my partner has said to me many times in the past when I made a statement like this let me tell you that you may never even noticed when someone gave you the help you needed because it was not the help you wanted to receive.

When we think of help we think of “hand outs”, of big flashy gestures that impress those who witness them, of standing together and marching in exclusiveness of causes while excluding others, and so much more. We think of what society tells us is “helpful”, but we miss all the other help that has been given to us from little unseen people.

All of us have received help at some point in our life from someone else, but we never even noticed or should I say acknowledged that we did. Maybe we just felt entitled to it at that point, but I’ll tell you right now that you are not as entitled to so many things as you think you are.

As life changes, you change with it (hopefully), and as you change it will touch the life of other people either in a positive or a negative way and will influence changes in them. It’s a circle that will continue over and over again.

The changes within you bring on the changes in those around you when you connect with the ones you are supposed to connect with. For good or ill, depending entirely if you did your inner journey or if you chose to remain the way you were.

Peace, happiness and love are not found by looking outward to other people, but looking inward first and doing your own inner journey. By undergoing your life changes gracefully and once ready emerge from them filled with that inner peace, happiness and love ready to let it radiate from  you to those who are ready to receive it.

Ah and yes that is my last bit of thought for you today. Those around you have to be willing to receive the peace, happiness and love you radiate out to them. There are so many human beings out there who only find validation in anger, misery, hatred and bitterness that they are unable to accept that which is offered to them freely. Sadly it’s the very thing they scream they want. Don’t worry so, they’ll get their turn to go on this inner journey too one day and hopefully they will make the choice to take the challenge to become a better them at that point.

With much love for you all

Regina L.

 

 

 

 

 

The Wisdom of old women

WE have a lot to learn from the wisdom of old women

Oh George let me never underestimate the wisdom of those who have come before me.

Let me never be so arrogant that I think that old women cannot teach me a lot about being a woman, guiding a man with love and care, and understanding their place of honor in a relationship.

Let me never be so arrogant that I think I have nothing left to learn from those women who are in their 70’s, 80’s and 90’s now. Who are out of step with today’s “enlightened” times and let me never be so blind that I cannot see their beauty divine.

George, I simple have to tell you about those women I have met and who have taught this “fool child” so much with their simple kindness of sharing what they had to learn as “fool children” at other old women’s knees.

I still remember up to this day being a small child and walking up to old people I barely or at times didn’t even know begging them for Stories. When I say old, I mean men and women in their 70’s, 80’s and 90’s. I would walk up to them in all my 6, 7, 8, and 9 year old “wisdom” and ask that they would tell me about their life or a story that they heard when they were young. Lucky for me, more times than not, they agreed and told me to sit down and listen.

I would too, haha, usually right on the ground by their feet. I have been sitting on more pavements and grass, ruining my clothing to the chagrin of those who had to finance those, then I can even begin tell you. In hindsight, it was more than worth it.

Fast forward to the here and now. At 46 years of age I am an elder to some of the younger people as well by now, but even up to this day I still look to my elders for wisdom and stories. For me those are mostly women these days who are old enough to be my mother or grandmother. You could say I almost collect them along the way. Maybe because I don’t have a Mother or Grandmother to look to, or maybe because I still believe in the Tribal Wisdoms that have come through many ages, tribes, clans, pagan religions, and “nomadic lifestyles”.

In many “enlightened” cultures these days we put our old people in¬† homes, or pay for someone else to take care of them. Hopefully most of them are still fit enough to do for them-selves, and believe me I have met some who can run rings around even you 20 years old folks out there. It’s down-right embarrassing how much more they are put together mentally and physically than we are, or how determined they are to live their life even so every bone in their body is hurting and everything seems to be just a little harder. Doesn’t stop them so, not those people I met.

I grew up with the belief that once your elderly could no longer go and do hard work to support them-selves, they would shift into a different type of “work” that they could do for as long as they were lucid and able to move. That was sharing their wisdom with us, watch over the little younger children while the younger people worked, show us the skill they we may have forgotten, and so much more. These days that is no longer the case in most cases.

It’s society at large, the way we stopped seeing things and the many different things we now glorify and honor instead of the things we should consider worthy.

Either way I am getting off track here. Let me tell you about some of the amazing women I have met just recently and all you need to know is that they were between 70 to 92 years old, represented 3 different ethnic groups, and each came out of different life circumstances. I won’t tell you who was what, because honestly it has no baring on their teaching here. It is just to demonstrate to you that it doesn’t matter where they come from, they all have something important to offer.

Here goes:

He needed me to need him!

I was sitting on the Bench outside of my RV while crocheting and drinking a cup of coffee. Right across from me was this older couple parked. Now I had seen both of them around and had seen her piddling around, carrying things and more. Matter of fact it was less then an hour earlier that I had watched HER carry a couple of heavier boxes inside. I know they were heavier because I had picked one up and helped her with it. This is important! Keep in mind that she was ABLE and CAPABLE of carrying something that was a little heavier. Now, as I sat there, she was at the Trunk of her Car and inside were several Grocery Bags. Her husband who had not been around earlier was inside the RV. I watched her walk up to the RV, poke her head inside and tell her husband. “Sweetheart, would you please help me with those Groceries? Those bags are so heavy.”

That old man was out of that RV as fast as his little old legs could carry him and he picked those bags up and carried them inside like they were the most precious of items. All the while she stood there with an admiring look on her face and a big smile. When he was done, he leaned over to give her a kiss on the cheek, and asked her if she needed anything else. She just smiled and told him no, thank you, I’ll be inside in a minute.

He walked in, happy as a clam, and she walked over to me to see what I was working on. I asked her if she’d share a cup of coffee with her and if I could ask her something that was on my mind. She agreed to both.

When we both had our coffee in front of us I asked her: “I know those Groceries weren’t that heavy and I know you didn’t need his help. Why did you go ask him to do it for you? Was that one of those on principal things?”

She laughed at me and answered.

“I didn’t need the help, but he needed me to need the help. My husband is used to taking care of me, of making sure I don’t overdo things, of being needed by me. Can you understand that?”

I laughed and nodded thinking of all the times I got a disgusted look by my partner when I would pick up all the Grocery Bags and carry them inside. Oh he always let me do it, never stood in my way, but that look on his face said it all. What am I? Chopped liver?

I asked her how long they were married and she smiled. “55 years!”

You know she had it right all along and I can tell you from experience as well. A wise woman knows that it isn’t always about us needing the help when we ask a man to do something for us, but more about allowing them to feel helpful and useful. Real men need to be needed. When you tell them that as a woman you don’t need a man, then don’t be surprised when they don’t need you either. A wise woman knows she may not need a man all the time, but she’ll be happy to make sure he feels needed.

Keep it behind closed doors and never argue when you first get angry!

I watched her face turning 15 shades of livid and I was waiting for her to blow up any second now. Whatever he had said or done that had made her this angry I will never know, but one thing was for sure, he was in the dog house and I don’t think he was even going to get a blanket to stay warm.

I watched her finish her meal in silence instead of letting him have it, complete and utter silence from her. If anything her face had taken on a somewhat regal countenance, and I sat close enough to hear him tell her several times that he was sorry he had been only joking. She only looked at him and said with a smile on her face (yes an actual smile so it looked as if she was just having a lovely time with her partner) “We will speak about this later when we are alone. Right now I would care to finish my meal.”

She took her time eating too, even so I could see her swallowing hard a few times keeping her anger in check. It must have been good 20 minutes before they stood and left.

Now this couple was 3 RVs down from where I was parked and as I walked past it a little later, you heard no screaming, no screeching, no raised female or male voice. You could hear talking because the window was open, but it didn’t appear as any type of an argument.

I went home, made myself a cup of coffee and went to sit outside on my bench with my art stuff this time. Yes, I do like to sit outside in the fresh air as much as possible when I am doing my arts and crafts, writing or reading. It was maybe an hour or later when the Lady was walking her dog past me. I waved, she waved and on her way back she came over to sit down and chat a little.

Most RVers are very friendly people and when you are outside you can expect people to walk up, sit down, talk etc. At least in most areas that I have been at. It’s a communal feel to it.

I asked her if everything was ok and if she was alright. She nodded, not even pretending to have no idea about what I was referring to, and told me it was handled. I smiled and nodded in return. It wasn’t my business to ask her what it was about, besides I learned a long time ago that if a woman wants to talk about it she will once asked if everything is ok.

Instead I asked her how long they had been together now to which she responded for 35 years and that this was her 2nd marriage. As we talked about marriage and how to keep a marriage for so long together, she told me this.

“Don’t humiliate your partner in public ever if you want to keep your marriage. No matter how hard that might be at times until you learn how to handle things in a classy way. You never argue when you first get angry, because it’s a knee jerk reaction. You haven’t had time to think about it and process yet. You are just reacting and that is never good. Say what you have to say behind closed doors and keep your voice down. It has a lot more impact on your partner too when he has to wait for the “scolding” because trust me he knows he messed up. By being classy rather then a shrew you take the wind out of his sails too.”

There is really nothing else to say to this bit of wisdom from her. Oh and I can hear you already saying, but he humiliated her… Well as she would say, two wrongs don’t make a right and trust me he’ll learn not to do that again a lot faster when you don’t vindicate him and make him look like the “poor boy with the nasty wife”.

I wear the SKIRT in this relationship!

That phrase literally had me spit my coffee out all over the table. I heard it in “I wear the pants in this relationship” before but never the SKIRT. Yet here was a woman who could only be described as one of those old School Teachers or Head Mistresses that makes you sit up just a little straighter the moment you get in her presence.

Haha, even my partner toes the line when she comes into sight and acts as if a grape couldn’t sour in his presence. So oh yes that Lady has the type of presence that is awe-inspiring. I adore her!

Her and her husband have been married for 67 years now! Let me say this again. 67 Years! Can you imagine that? They deserve a medal in this time and age, at least in my books and when a woman with that kind of track record of keeping a man devoted and in love with her speaks, you bet your ass I listen and pay attention.

Oh and trust me when I tell you that her husband is 150% devoted to her. There is nothing he wouldn’t do for his wife. In his words, no other woman holds a candle to his sweetheart.

When I asked her about that saying she explained to me that the reason so many relationships no longer work these days is that men and women try to be something they weren’t born to be. Men acting more like young girls (she would never lower herself to call them bitches) and women thinking that they need to be the men in the relationship. It’s upside down and downside up. That by being a woman, behaving like a woman, dressing like a woman, and having the demeanor becoming of a woman, a woman has more power in her little finger then when she tries to be something she wasn’t born to be and/or tries to turn a man into a …. (and here she trailed off because she just couldn’t bring herself to say that word.)

Now here is where I have to add that I needed to get her husbands opinion on that one, and I wanted to hear what he had to say about her. You’d think that a woman who still believes in the more “traditional” roles of the genders might be setting herself up for disrespect from her husband right? I mean isn’t that what we keep getting forced down our throats constantly as females?

When I asked him about her and what he thought about his wife, I was in tears after. It was that beautiful and all I could think was how much I wished a man would see me in that light. He told me of her beauty, her strength, her loyalty, her sage advise that had guided him through life. Of what a wonderful mother and grandmother she was and now a great great grandmother. How he is the luckiest man on this Planet, because she never gave up on him, never allowed him to do anything but his best for her and his kids, and how when he was in the Hospital broken and scared she “kicked his ass” to fight and get better, because she needed him at home.

Every word he spoke about her was laced with love, admiration, respect and yes worship. This old wise Lady who still believed in a traditional role as woman and wife, without buying into the BS that this makes you a victim, held more respect and love from her husband then most modern women will ever see in a lifetime.

You can’t always get what you want, but you’ll always get what you need!

I have no idea how many times I have heard this phrase from different older men and women, but it is something I am 100% sure is true. You can’t always get what you want, but you’ll always get what you need! Oh and that doesn’t mean you’ll like it when you get it either, sometimes what you need is a big swift kick in the behind, and a little tough love, to remind you that being an Adult comes with responsibilities, obstacles, worries and more, not just the fun stuff and the rights.

I have no idea how many times I felt utterly shattered when I didn’t get something I really had my heart set on, or didn’t succeed the first 10 times in something I was trying to achieve, but was presented with a different set of circumstances instead. I always hated it to be honest, who really likes difficulties and hardships? I don’t know anyone who does, but when I look back and got some distance from it finally, I can see where it was exactly what I needed at that point in my life to grow.

It’s not the good times that help you mature, give you wisdom, help you evolve into a better you. It’s the bad times, the hard times, the times when you feel as if you can’t make it another minute, and when you realize that in the end you will stand alone or have at best a handful of people who even care about you nearby.

We live in an age of entitlement now, where everyone thinks they are entitled to everything without having to do a damn thing for it. That they can whine about the unfairness of life and that just because they are xyz (pick something) they are being so mistreated. The reality is, that no matter who you are, life isn’t going to be fair to you.

Life has a way of getting you and Karma is a bitch, but that is the good news at the same times a well, because when you look back one day you’ll see where without the unfairness that was dealt to you, you would have never had the opportunity to rise above it and become the fabulous you that you are today.

We often think that we want something so very desperately, but if we were to really get it, it would be completely wrong for us. I been there plenty of times in my life and so have you. Be careful what you wish for, you may just get it.

So that is my bit of wisdom from this older woman (me) and the wisdom of 3 other old women whom I have been privileged as all get out to have met and talked to.

Look to your elders folks, they still have a lot to teach you, and don’t buy into everything that is shiny and new, enlightened and “feel good” is always for the best. Sometimes, the old and tried but true, can take you a lot further.

When we think we no longer need each other, we are signing our own death warrants folks. Think before you speak, watch what you think, and listen to those who have accomplished things that these days seem almost impossible.

Cordially yours

Regina L.

Hope springs eternal

Hope – the one thing you never want to lose!

Alright then, ready for round 3 and phase 2

I am no stranger to the long game, the shallow odds,and the putting my head down and running against the walls until I shatter them. I am the eternal optimist and Goddess of Hope who squares her shoulders in adversity and says with a gleam in her eyes:

Watch me! I can do it George! I can make this work for me yet and to Hades will all those naysayers.

And so we go for round 3 and phase 2 of the sequence of dreams  I call my life and goals yet to achieved! Are you ready George?

 

You kind of have to look at life as a Roller Coaster ride. Sometimes you are on top of the world and other times you are plunging head down at max speeds towards what you are sure is going to be your doom, only to level out last second and slowly go up again. Death is the only time this Roller Coaster ride really comes to an end, and that only for a little while, while you switch to the next Amusement ride in the Carnival we call Reincarnation.

The funny thing is that it seems to take forever to climb up, but only seconds to plummet back down again, leaving you breathless and strangely feeling alive when you hit the plateau again for a seconds rests before doing it all over again.

My Roller Coaster life ride is lovingly called “Hope and Hades” by me. The Hope part should be obvious since I am constantly looking for the bright side and have the eternal hope that no matter what obstacles life throws at me I can overcome them and come out victorious. Yes, I am that optimistic and stubborn. The Hades part comes in each time my life is on a downward plummet and I know that everything I was hoping for seems to want to go to Hades (Hell) again in a pretty pink Hand Basket, because if nothing else at least I’ll go down in style. (Chuckles)

Round Three – Ready, Set, Go!

So what’s the deal with the Round 3 anyways? That would be me trying to get my handmade and handcrafted items business of the ground. Sometime back in 2010 I had a bit of an emotional meltdown and desperately wanted a Hiatus from all the other work I do online. I felt I needed to get away from everything that I was known for, recoup, renew, and just rediscover Regina again who had been getting lost somewhere along the way.

That I was turning 40 that year too, might have been a catalyst in all of it too, but I am not so sure it really was. Getting older never scared me, matter of fact I am actually enjoying it. I am so glad that I have all those Angst years behind me by now. They suck for everyone.

So back in 2010 I decided that I was going to go offline and concentrate 80% of my efforts on creating and selling handmade / handcrafted items. I started making crotchet and knit pillows and blankets. I painted, sketched, and drew Bookmarks, Greeting Cards, Collectors Cards and more. I crotchet little dolls and collectible oddities, and did some wood painting as well.

You should have seen my office! It looked like Santa’s Workshop in there and I was the only little elf in it. I was in there day and night. When I wasn’t dealing with the few people I was still keeping contact with and training, I was busy producing stuff to sell, researching venues to sell those items through, and learned about pricing.

I had given myself 3 months to get a decent amount of start up products created before going out into the world and trying my hand in the Crafter’s Market. By that point I had an Etsy.com Store as well and learned that nothing was what it appeared to be. LOL there were more trades between the Artists than actual Sales.

Now when I did this first try I was still living in Las Vegas. The Spot I got myself for my first try ended up costing me $40.00 for the day, was in the back somewhere, and at the College Campus. It was billed as an Arts and Crafts Faire, but once you got there it was mostly Food Items and resell items that were machine crafted.

I learned very quickly that in Las Vegas the Booth Fees are very high if you want to get to a better venue and there really is very little market for whimsical more old fashioned crafts or art like mine. I tried to do some of those first Saturday and first Friday Markets, but they wanted you to join an Organization (more money output) and like I said the fees for the booth and then subsequent licensing fees made this a crash and burn turn.

I pretty much had to give up after 5 months and put my dreams away for a while. I returned back to what I was good at it seemed and gave all the things I made away as gifts to those who wanted them. Funny that, people take things for free, but don’t ask them to pay the Artist a fair price.

Fast forward to 2015. Yes it was a whole 5 years and a lot of personal changes in my life, before I tried again. By now I was full-time RVing and space for any kind of crafting had drastically reduced. By now I had also already become the sole provider for the household and that put a major level of stress on me.

For the first part of 2015 I was doing actually pretty decent and even until October of 2015 I was seeing my first real upswing in income after a few years while being on the road. I decided to do it more on a Hobby base this time and give it another try.

This time I didn’t have as much time producing as I did before since I really needed to put the lions-share of my time into my primary business. I did put about 20 items together, went to a couple of Craft Sales in the RV Parks I was staying at and sold 7 items in total. All hand drawn Greeting Cards which was better than in Las Vegas 5 years before, but as life would have it….

The RV started breaking down hard, I needed to work more to try to recover the money for the emergencies, a couple of other Emergencies struck and then we were already in 2016 and I had to give up again.

Oh boy, yeah let’s not go over 2016 again. That one goes down as the year that broke this Camel’s back big time, threw me for a loop, forced me to really evaluate life in general and make many tough choices. Pretty much all of 2016 was spend on the plummet, with super short plateaus in between. Well not surprising since I had gone pretty darn high in 2015.

Guess who is going for round 3 in January of 2017!!!! Yup that would be me. I am already working on a blanket in dark purple, black and light gray which is turning out really pretty. Just a lap blanket, not a full sized one. I need to test the market out around here first, but I have an Arts and Crafts Sale spot already set up for the January 7th 2017, and I am looking into getting one in the middle of January at the London Bridge RD Flea Market in Lake Havasu City as well.

Biggest Challenge at the moment is getting all the materials I need to make the items I want to create for sale. Like I said 2016 has been a big pain in the …. and making sure all the regular obligations are taken care of is enough of a challenge. If you want to help out with that start out a little bit you can do so by visiting my Amazon.com Wishlist and buy some of it for me from the items market clearly for my Arts and Crafts Business.

Yes, I am one of those creative types who loves working with her hands. Oh and I love to sew, hence all that material on there as well. No I don’t machine sew, I actually still sew everything literally by hand. I am a domestic Goddess all the way.

Well that was fun, but what is phase 2 about?

That’s about my dream for the rest of my life.

Phase 1 was going full-time RVing which I have been doing now since 2013. The actual travel part of the RVing started in March of 2014 and has been slow going, but regardless that’s what I have been doing.

Phase 2 is shifting Income and Career Importance.

All the traveling in the world doesn’t do a lick of good if you spend 90% of your time inside working. That is pretty much what it’s been like. I have times when I go outside and just go explore my surroundings, but the majority of the time I am still pressing my nose to the window and work on my main venue that brings my income in.

I want to slowly begin to switch income from primarily online to offline over the next 2 years. Going more into my Arts and Crafts Business, write my books and branch out in the Genres more, and do all the other things that I had originally dreamed about when I was a very young woman back in the day.

I know that I’ll always be part of the Adult Industry to some extend and will work on the phones as well as produce content for it, but I want to take it away from that being my primary to it being my additional income by the time I turn 50. Which will be in 2020. So I have 3 years starting 2017 to get that phase done.

Right now that feels like a long shot since I really don’t have a lot of support on that front (read any at the moment), but as I said in the beginning I am the Goddess of Hope and hey it’s not my first Rodeo, even if the Rodeo has changed a lot over the years.

The end game for me…. the ultimate goal!

A lot of people search for their purpose in life, I never needed to. I pretty much knew what mine was from a young age on, but I also knew that I would need to walk through some pretty dark Valleys to get there.

For me my purpose in life was always to live life to it’s fullest and to touch the life of people who are often misunderstood, lonely and forgotten. Ironically those are rarely the people everyone wants to drag into the limelight. Those are usually people who are hidden in plain sight all around you, but they don’t scream for help, don’t riot, don’t look homeless, or have any of the other identifiers we are so trained to look for.

They are people just like you and me, average everyday people who just blend into the scenery and become invisible almost because of it. People who simply want to live a nice comfortable life, being with people who care, still having some use, and knowing that they are still part of something special.

That is what part of this journey is about now that I am getting older. A Goddess of Hope, a domestic Goddess, a Goddess of endurance, a Goddess of love and kindness where it is truly needed, a Goddess of creativity, a Goddess of travel and so much more.

When many think of the word “Goddess” they always think of a beyond beautiful woman on the outside who can turn the heads of all that see her, but we forget that the Goddess shows herself in many forms. The form of the beauty inside, the kindness, the wisdom, the love, the endurance, and so many unseen things that is the Goddess as she matures and becomes the Crone, is the one that endures and the one who becomes your Legacy in the end.

I suppose that is the path I step foot upon and one that I shall walk, forever with hope in my heart and even as I tremble a bit for it is a path unknown to me, with courage and a brave spirit that says…

“You got this Regina, no matter what, you will make your dreams come true and live up to your purpose in life!”

I hope in a small way this makes you think as well. Makes you look at your dreams and hopes, and if you gave up on them for a little while or had to put them on a shelf for a bit because life was on a downward swing, makes you remember that if those are truly your dreams and goals, you can always try again.

Never give up on them and yourself. You have those for a reason. If for no other reason then to be a Role-Model of never giving up on yourself and what is important to you. We need you in this world, more than you’ll ever imagine.

Remember what I keep saying my darlings. Change begins with you! Not everyone else, but with you. If you can be the best version of yourself, and keep improving, then that will be a Legacy worth having. The rest is just window dressing in the end.

Cordially yours

Regina L.

 

 

Winter Solstice meditation on 2016

Reflections on 2016 through my eyes.

My Winter Solstice meditation.

A reflective tradition in my life.

Blessed Winter Solstice George, may the Lord and the Lady smile down upon you and bring you balance, blessings, health, peace, and joy old friend.

It’s been a tough year hasn’t it. I think our world went just a little more nuts this year than usual, but we’ll all be alright eventually. Even the current madness will pass, the wheel of time will¬† keep turning, and new beginnings will bring new challenges and victories.

Are you ready for our annual Winter Solstice tradition of recount of the obstacles and thought? Of remembering and recalling some of the great people that came into my life? About the worries that may have been stressful throughout this year?¬† Let’s put them to rest and let them go, so moving on becomes possible, and let’s honor the positive that was so delightful to experience.

 

2016 a year of challenges and upheaval for most!

Wow, what a year 2016 turned into and it was nothing like I hoped it would be. I honestly believe this was one of the toughest years in recent History for most people financially and emotionally. We have seen a lot of hatred, prejudice, extremism, and verbal as well as physical attacks between each other. There for a while it looked like we might get into another Civil War, and there are still groups of people out there who are trying really hard to push for it.

A lot of Businesses took major losses in 2016, many small Businesses were forced into closing their doors, and no matter what the Media tried to tell anyone, the Economy was not getting any better. There are jobs to be had, but many of those jobs are so low paying that people can’t make ends meet, while prices keep climbing higher on necessities.

For me personally…..

What was the hardest to witness for me personally so was the online hatred that was and still keeps being spread by those who claim to know injustice. It’s a mixed up world out there on the Interwebs George, and I wish I could take them with me sometime to show them the things I have seen instead. There are so many amazing things to see and people to meet when you travel the way I do in my RV.

Talking about Traveling and the RV….

Traveling was a lot harder this year for me than the year before. As I said the Economy was pretty bad and that meant money was just not coming in the way I needed it to, add several major repairs again on the RV, a few small Emergencies that depleted the bank accounts even further, and by the end of November I found myself in some real financial trouble.

Unlike so many people out there, I don’t have the option to go and ask for help from anyone. In my main Profession asking for help is a death throw; it’s considered begging rather than being honest and saying, hey I am in real deep trouble here and need your help. So that was not a possibility and still isn’t. It can make it pretty hard on a person when you have to keep up an illusion of everything being fine all the time. Sometimes it seems impossible to do, but you manage it somehow.

Going to Churches is out for me period and I can’t go to the Government for help either. Which pretty much leaves me on the fringes and having to deal with it by myself. Ironically so I am no longer as emotionally devastated as I was. Perhaps it is grace and my tenacious outlook of things always getting better eventually that has made that possible for me.

In a reverse way I can see the blessing in my situation, which is something that is hard to do for most people at the best of times it seems. Instead of bemoaning the things I do not have, cannot do, or do not have access to, I am grateful for the things I am able to continue doing, have the good fortune to continue to keep, even if at times that is only the roof over my head and the food on my table. For me counting my blessings and looking for that silver lining on the horizon has always been part of who I am.

Some of the wonderful people I have met this year!

Do you remember “Fast Eddie”? What a character this old man was. Easily in his 70th he is always putting a smile and a laugh on the face of people when he goes into his “Style Maker” dance moves. I still remember thinking he was a woman when I first saw him, that is why I got up and danced with him. Took me a moment to realize it was a man. He doesn’t identify as a female, he is just at that age where some of us look a little more neutral when it comes to appearance. Oh but what a character.¬† I hope that I’ll be as peppy and sprite as he is when I get his age and have the same type of really awesome positive attitude.

Oh and that¬† young white couple with their small 2 year old son, who had lost everything when both of them were laid off one after the other with barely any notice. It was rather a big shock for both of those young people when the security they thought they had was ripped right out from under them. You have to hand it them both so, they didn’t sit around whining about how hard their life is. They took the last little bit of money they had, bought a tiny RV, moved in and went in search of work. The thing I found so inspirational about both of them was that instead of fighting with one another and blaming everyone else for their bad circumstances, they drew closer together and focused on getting things done. In the meantime he did little odd jobs and she did some Dog walking to get a few extra dollars. I hope they both got a good job after I left, because they sure had a tough time finding one and their unemployment was running out fast.

Do you remember Miz Sophia? Now there was another strong and wonderful Lady of character. What an amazing old Lady to have the privilege of having met. She had a story to tell that a lot of the young women who want to scream about privilege should hear sometime. She is one strong old black Lady who’d cuff you over the head if she ever hears you say that just because you are black you can’t make something of yourself and that life is so hard. Yeah none of her Grandkids are marching in the streets or screaming about injustice, they are too busy building careers for themselves and being successful doing so. Oh and what was it she said… There is never an excuse for not bettering your circumstances but laziness and not being willing to get over yourself or out of your own way. She should know, she started out in some really bad and poor neighborhoods according to her. with Raised by a single mother, with 5 other siblings and no daddy to help out. Now she is a retired CEO from a big¬† Company. Yeah I’d say she made something of herself and it wasn’t easy doing so. There was a lot of hard work, a lot of jobs she didn’t want to do, and a determination that she’d get her piece of the pie involved.¬† Go you Miz Sophia, you earned some major respect from me and everybody who knows you. Keep on kicking those asses Miz Sophia, they need you to and thanks for kicking mine too when I needed it the most and wanted to give up on myself. Man, nothing tougher than a Grandmo who cares about you folks. We all could use a Miz Sophia to keep us honest, she sure gave me a reality check when I wanted to feel sorry myself.

Oh and that sweet old couple who have been together since 1966. High School Sweethearts and then married right out of school during a time when being an interracial couple was a lot harder than it is today. Didn’t stop them from making it so. What a legacy of love they are living for their Kids and Grandkids. Almost 50 years of marriage and still going strong! Gosh I adored Adele and Samuel, what a lovely pair they made and so very thoughtful to one another. Thanks for the home made cookies Adele, those were delicious, and Samuel thanks for answering the million and one stupid questions I had about the Hippy Days. I know I was annoying, but you were nothing but gracious to me. A true Gentleman. I wish I could have stayed around a little longer and talked to them some more. I love people like that who don’t give up when the going gets tough. Their love is still strong after all those years and it’s not just their love for one another, but their love for all those who are fortunate enough to become part of their life in some way.

My borrowed Grandkids Jessica, Ryan and Andy. Haha, what a hoot they were, and just what I needed to get over me missing my children for a bit. It’s funny how children can bring people of all races and religions together, maybe we should let the small children who are yet untainted by propaganda and prejudice lead the way. Oh and Jessica, you make sure my little love that you keep spreading the word with your sweet little songs…. Yes, ALL PEOPLE ARE BEAUTIFUL in their own way. Oh and Ryan stop picking on Andy you scamp. Just remember he’s going to get a lot bigger one day and will be able to give back what you give him now. Oh and Andy, you sweet cheeked little ragamuffin, you know you are the joy of anyone’s day who has the pleasure of seeing you smile. Andy has a little mental handicap, but don’t tell him that, because he refuses to see himself as different. Pretty special for a child that is only 9 years old.

Oh oh and my partner in crime “Blue Bucket man”… roars in laughter. We met when I was sitting in a Park bitching to myself about how stupid people can really get, and mumbling to myself that if this kept up I was going to go and buy some blue paint and start¬† painting everyone blue so we all looked alike on the outside. (I had a bit of a Social “Diddleya” aka Media overload that day.) He must have thought I was a crazy-ass- broad when he first walked up on me, but after chatting back and forth for a while, he excused himself and returned shortly bringing me a bucket of blue paint and two brushes. “Well Miz Regina, looks like you and I better start painting people blue.”¬† Oh and on that note, you all are party poopers, nobody let me paint them. Grumbles.

It would take me forever to list all the wonderful people I have met along the way. The great unknown Artists I have had the pleasure of seeing, meeting, listening to and interacting with. You have no idea how much unknown and undiscovered Talent there is out there. Some of the people I met had better voices, more talent, and a hell of a better attitude then many big Stars out there these days. I was so blessed to meet¬† awesome and genuine¬† people through many different generations, races, religious believes, sexual diversity and more. Thank you all for enriching my life and putting up with my inquisitive nature, without getting bend out of shape when I didn’t say things just right. You saw my heart rather then judge me by some politically incorrect words I may have used or shaping a question in a maybe ignorant way at times. I’ve learned so much from all of you and I will never forget all the stories you have shared with me about your life. It was truly inspirational to have met you all.

Really getting to see the difference between real world interactions and online / Social Media interaction!

What amazed me the most after having spend so much time on Social Media and watching people tearing each other apart all the time,¬† was that not one single one of those people I met and spend time getting to know, attempted to play any cards. You know which cards I mean – the feminism card, the race card, the gender card, the religion card, heck pick a card. I don’t think they even owned the deck.

They were just happy to meet new people, share experiences, a good meal, some laughter and make new friends. Welcome to real America in the rural areas, the small Towns, and the homes of the non-extremist, non-conformist to non-conformity, everyday American who is too busy surviving, living a life, learning some actual valuable skills to sniff their own farts all the time. Yeah I don’t miss big City attitudes trust me George.

Oh and that 75% of the People I talked to and met are not hooked into Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest or most other forms of Social Media. Maybe that is the reason that they belief in spreading love, compassion, sharing and just darn good company rather then hate and mistrust. That’s what I think anyways, but hey what do I know.

Maybe I am blessed in many ways. Oh sure I did see some bad apples who enjoyed wallowing in their own misery just a little too much and who use everything as an excuse to point out just how terrible the world has gotten and how mistreated they are because of xyz. (Just pick something, it was in there I assure you.) I am not saying that I didn’t come across those people too, but they were just a small handful.

The thing so is, in the real world, away from the Internet where it gets force fed to you 24/7 and really blown out of proportions, you can actually just excuse yourself and walk away. Now that is a truly empowering and liberating ability to have as a human being. Walking away from the toxic people who just love to spread misery and want to make everyone else feel guilty in the process. No thanks, I have plenty of reasons to feel guilty about mistakes I made when I was younger, I don’t need to volunteer to take on guilt about something I have nothing to do with.

Well I guess I do need to get down to business too in this reflective recounting of the year…

On a professional base the hardest part was the last 4 months for me. I knew it was coming for a while now, been feeling it in my bones and soul, but I kept hanging on and clinging hard to something that in general I just love to do. There comes a point so when you have to step back and realize that attitudes, politics, downright mindlessness, and overwhelming arrogance that takes the humanity as well as safety out of it, has stopped making it possible for me to continue on in my chosen Profession in the Capacity that I have for so many years now. The irony is that it wasn’t me committing those things, but those who are in it as well.

In Germany we have a saying that goes.

Mit gegangen, mit gehangen.

Which really roughly means “guilty by association” here in the USA. Oh and boy, is it turning into a shit storm of guilty by association out there now on so many fronts. It has gotten to the point that I pretty much felt forced to retire out of what I love to do, because I could no longer stomach being associated with the attitudes and behaviors of those who are now “front runners” of the whole.

I actually felt dirtied by it. Not by what I was doing, ha there is no shame in that what-so-ever, but by being lumped in with women who spout nothing but pure and often ridiculous hatred towards the people they are supposed to be guiding. If this is what being a powerful woman and Femdom (and here I mean a Dominatrix, not the new meaning of Female Supremacist) in the year 2016 looks like, I want nothing to do with it any longer. I refuse to ride the hating all men train.¬† Why ever would I want to control something I hate that much. It doesn’t even make sense to me, and I know all about humiliation, but that oh boy this has tipped the scale over into lala land once again.

Now I have to rebrand myself and that is not as easy as it sounds. Not after all the years I have been known for being one thing and now “downgrading” myself, as someone just recently said, is hard for some to understand. The thing for me so is, those people knew me well enough after seeing me interact for so many years, why on Earth would they suddenly buy into the Hype and Accusations that were being levered against me. To say that I grew heart sick with it all is an understatement.

However, and there is always a silver lining on the Horizon for me, it may have just been the push that I needed to bravely walk up to my personal Crossroads again. There are so many paths yet untaken, so many goals and dreams that I have yet to achieve and work on, because of being more wrapped up in what I was then what I wanted to become.

Just some other thoughts ….

This picture, which I found online, speaks volumes to me personally. The Phases of the Goddess within each of us. The Maiden, the Mother, and the Crone. The 3 phases of Feminine Power and Growth into Wisdom.

I was trying to find the representation of the three phases of the God or Lord as some say as well, but ironically those are a lot harder to find. Gosh forbid we honor and acknowledge the masculine force in our world and us these days.

We live in a world right now where people are screaming for becoming united while at the same time preaching separatism more than ever. The very people who advocate equality for all, are the exact same people who force us to see ourselves as separate from one another and lesser in importance to other people. Pushing a view of diversity as being different, rather than being diverse as embracing our individual uniqueness as part of a whole.

We praise the Goddess and shame the God. Lift the Lady on high while condemning her Consort. We uplift and praise diverse unions while shaming traditional ones in the process. We encourage, applaud, and empower diverse and alternative family structures, while condemning and ridiculing the nuclear Family. We demand tolerance, while being intolerant our-selves. Those are only a few examples in a whole long line of foolishness. That is not the way to peace, joy and balance, if anything it will end up destroying it.

We are, within each of us, both the feminine and masculine energies. We are, within each of us, both light and darkness. We are, within each of us, beginning and end. To embrace one while denying the other, praising one while shaming the other, trying to force one while attempting to destroy the other, we go out of balance.

2016 has been a year of unbalance in so many ways, and it has taken us backwards not because of the people who were up for elections, but because of the people who are blinded by zealousness, extremes, and closed mindedness to anything but their own agenda.

We have preached hatred in the guise of acceptance. We have preached separation in the guise of unification. We have preached tolerance in the guise of self-entitlement without compassion for anyone else. We have screamed to be taken serious and heard, while telling everyone else that they do NOT have the right to their opinions. We literally have enlightened and progressed ourselves backwards in time.

2016 was the year where we saw the worst in people emerge in a way that hasn’t happened for a very long time. When we didn’t just hide common sense for the sake of popularity and wearing a good guy badge, but literally killed it and put other people into Jeopardy.

This was a year of emotional upheaval which resulted in a lot of damage being done in ways that most refuse to see at this point.

We are afraid of change, scared to death of accountability – not self-loathing and victimization (we are pretty darn good at that one by now) – but accepting accountability of self. We shun that one, even so it is one of our biggest privileges we as humankind share, but we only want other people to do that, not ourselves. It’s uncomfortable to have to look into the mirror and say, yes I caused this trouble for myself. Kind of like I am doing right now. Being this open and forthcoming with you opinion which is not extremely liberal but tempered by common sense and at least a small amount of wisdom hones from experience as an Adult living in the real world, is going to upset people.

People ever only want to hear opinions they can agree with and that enforces their personal agenda and mindset. It takes a long time and a certain level of maturity to at least be willing to listen and debate other opinions even if you personally reject them in the end. In the end we all have a right to our own opinion and to voice it in a non threatening (non-lethal) way. I am exercising mine right now!

On a personal note again…

For me personally 2016 was a year of hardship, emotional upheaval, and a lot of loss. A year of  being forced to reevaluate what is important to me, what I can still accept and what I wish to fight to be a part of, while letting go of what brings nothing but destruction and pain.

I had to take a really hard look at myself, at the path behind me and the path before me. A future yet unknown to me, but I know that to just stand still is not the way to go. Stagnation is not the way of the future, and sometimes you need to take a couple of steps backwards in what you evolved into, in order to rectify mistakes and then move forward in a wiser and better way. That is personal evolution, one person at a time, and not everyone else, but yourself. The hardest change you’ll ever motivate, influence, and see to it’s conclusion.

Some of the things I endured this year were brought on by my own failings, my own stubbornness to let go sooner, my feelings of depression and anxiety due to my struggle with self and circumstances. Others were out of my hands and I had no control over how they unfolded, while knowing that the only thing I could do was stand tall and ride the wave. Trying to hang on to sanity.

However I am grateful for all of it and how in Hades name I have the grace to be that still I’ll never know.¬† I am never the less grateful¬† for the obstacles that forced me to see things in a different light, and the privilege of having met so many wonderful people who have restored my belief in humanity after having lost it while being mostly online for so long.

In the end…

I am ready for 2016 to be over and for a new year to begin. With the death of the old, comes a new beginning. The Circle of life continues on, and there is no reason to fear it. Everything will be as it must be for each of us in turn, and we have a choice if we want to struggle and fight the coming changes or trust that in the end everything will be ok.

It won’t be easy, it won’t be comfortable, it won’t be a walk in the park, but life in general never is. That life is easy and fair is a Fairy Tale we want to believe, but life with all it’s challenges and problems is still a gift and still something very precious that we are our own Stewards over. So live your life without excuses, blaming your short comings on everyone else, and bravely. You can endure, overcome and by the grace that is within you, you will come out victoriously.

Remember the Wheel of time keeps turning for us all. After hard times, good times come again. Keep believing in yourself and you got this.

With love and peace and joy in my heart even in adversity,

I am cordially yours

Regina L.

 

 

 

 

You had no choice in this…

Self-loathing and apologizing for being born!

Yes, the struggle is real, but this is not the solution!

Oh George sometimes I wish I had the words that won’t wound more, but sadly I am just not that diplomatic and often times the truth hurts. My heart hurts for all of them so very much, because they are really trying to do the right thing, but they are making it worse for the children to come.

Step gently, speak softly, love deeply, dream big, forgive, but never forget the mistakes of the past. Don’t dwell at what has come before, but rather learn to do better. Fear not the changes, but embrace that with each end comes a new beginning. Do not apologize for things you did not have control over, do not apologize for being born, and most of all do not assume that just because you scream the loudest you are always right.

The first time I ever heard those words spoken to me I was about 8 years old and had just come from the funeral of my Foster Father. Those words were spoken to me by an old woman in her 70th who happened to be a Strega and my neighbor. She said those to me while I knelt crying on the ground before her, my heart bleeding, and having just been told for the dozenth time that the death of the man who had been my entire world up to then, had been my fault somehow.

This woman, this very wise old woman, whose skin was leathery and whose hands were soft, was not related to me in any way. She looked nothing like me, she was of Mediterranean decent, with a slightly olive colored skin, and  a sweetness in her heart that is hard to find in human beings.

She was a Witch, a Strega, a Crone who was shunned by her own family for being who she was. She lived through the WWII in Germany, seen horrors the likes most of us can’t even imagine, had been spit on, ridiculed, pushed aside and so much more. She knew what it was to be despised, hated, distrusted, but she also knew how to love, forgive, understand, embrace.

She too had said good-bye to a friend and neighbor that day. My foster-father, whom I called Opa, who was born in Germany, who fought in WWII, who had been part of the Afrika Corpse, who had been part of the SS, and who had the Edelweiss on his old Uniform hidden far back in his Closet.

She shouldn’t have seen him as a friend and he should not have seen her as his if you go by History. They should have hated one another, distrusted one another, disliked one another, but they had become friends. They were my introduction to what I came to call… “living History” and the importance of moving beyond the pain.

Both of them had told me about their experiences from their points of view as I sat by their feet during different times, and the things I heard often made my young heart bleed. One thing both of them however always agreed upon was that often times good people get drug into very bad situations without a choice to further the agendas of people who want to further hate and / or keep hate alive. That Hate is a powerful motivator for human kind, and that the only thing that beats that hatred is love and forgiveness.

I asked her one time how come she didn’t hate my Opa since by everything she was and had gone through he had been part of the people who caused her pain and suffering. I remember her smiling at me and telling me with a soft voice.

It wasn’t his choice any more than it was mine child. He didn’t choose this any more than I did. He did what he did to protect his family, you do realize that right? You either joined and served, or your family was next.

I had heard that from him as well before, but you know History Books don’t really teach you that. History needed their Villains and so everyone was vilified regardless. There were no excuses, no reasons, you were simply guilty. The circumstances didn’t matter, nor did anything else.

Back to that day so, that important lesson she imparted to me that day, as I suffered under the guilt of just by the very crime of having been born  and dared to live, I was responsible for his dying.

Now 39 years later, I know that of course my feeling guilty for being alive and having been born in the first place, was stupid, but the child I was didn’t. She bought into it, hook, line and sinker. Children are very impressionable and they take things to heart deeply. At least most of them do.

I said I was nothing like that special old woman who became my very first mentor and priestess until she died which was a huge loss not just to me, but to humanity in general. Her kindness, her aptitude at forgiveness, and her loving bluntness had touched so many people without her ever knowing. She was a Hero in her own way, and one you’ll never hear about or read about in any book. One of millions of Hero’s who fight the good fight not by pointing fingers and spreading hatred and wounded pride, but forgiveness and love.

The thing so is I was more like her than anyone would have seen, just like all of you are more like each other than you will ever recognize. I was born and raised in Germany, but my bloodline is Sicilian and Hungarian. I speak neither language and I don’t know that much about either Country since I wasn’t raised by those who put me into the world, just another unwanted child. I developed gifts that saw far beyond words and bs, and most of those gifts were honed out of pain and suffering as well, but also out of love and forgiveness.

Over the many years since I have lived in both Germany (up until I was 18) and in the USA ever since, I have watched people of all backgrounds. I have spoken to thousands of people in my lifetime and I have had the great honor to meet and listen to the stories of people most would walk past and not even notice. Celebrities never were of much interest to me personally. Give me the everyday forgotten men and women who have their own stories to tell and I am right there eager to discover what they have to share with all of us. Those unknown, normal everyday people are the true Treasures of our Nations. The little person who’ll never be famous, but is the heart and soul of our Country.

I am the furthest thing from politically correct and I don’t know what words are acceptable these days and which are not. Truthfully we have gotten so oversensitive to everything and every day we get told that some other word is now offensive and not ok to use, that I have really stopped caring about it. Just like millions of other people have enough of it already. It’s gone way too far.

What I do know however is what is right and what is wrong, and I know that WE are the ones that inflict the most pain on ourselves and each other out of prejudice, hanging on to the past, looking for reasons to hate, and we pass it along to our children. I know how to use some common sense and look at it from a much more grounded point of view.  Through the eyes of a Mother and Grandmother, who refuses to have children hurt by this non-sense.

Most of the people I speak to in real life would much rather have a person being honest and open with them then hide their true nature behind political correctness. As offensive and uncaring as I can appear at times to those who don’t know me, those who do know me know that I am far from that. My heart bleeds for the pain I see out there and it is cut wide open by knowing that you are hurting because you can’t let go of the past.

You judge yourself and others for things neither you, I or them (whoever ‘them’ is) for things you had no control over. You hate on each other and / or apologize for those same things. You demand apologies from people for those things and I want to reach out and slap as well as hug you at the same time. Oh sweet ones what are you doing to yourselves and those who could have cared about you until you pushed them away. Do you really think that by accusing people you have never even met in person of being what ever “ist” or “ism” you feel they are guilty of simply by the crime of being alive is going to make this world better? All it does is destroy any possibility of there ever being real understanding of what the problem is. After a while people will simply tune you out, because they are done being accused and attacked of things they are not guilty of as the individual. You want them to listen to you, accept your pain, understand you, but all you are doing is pushing them away and turning them against you.

Oh I know your struggle is very real, and that struggle will continue to be very real, until YOU stop struggling with it. It ends with you! It has to end with you! One person at a time, not everyone else, with you first! The hardest person to change in the entire world is YOU! It’s called YOUR STRUGGLE for a reason, you are the one that claims it, owns it , and keeps it alive. People are just reacting to what you represent yourself as and how you behave.

You had no say in or control over:

What gender you were born.
What color of skin you have.
Who your parents are.
Where you grew up.
What religion you were raised in.
What body size you have.
How your mind works and if you have disabilities or not.
If you were born into rich neighborhoods, middle class or poor neighborhoods.

None of those things were your choice or under your control. Those are the cards that were dealt to you and those are the things you’ll need to learn to come to terms with and embrace, plus move forward from. They don’t define you, unless you allow them to define who you are. Unless you choose to use them as an excuse to be stuck in a situation you are not happy in. You have choices and they have nothing to do with luck or privilege darlings.¬† Not in this day and age, not anymore.

I get so angry when people feel they need to apologize or defend the color of their skin, regardless of what that color is. YOU DIDN’T have a choice in that, why are you apologizing for it? I know you are trying to be sensitive and politically correct, but you are not being either. You are just victimizing yourself and feeding into the hatred that is happening now. Hatred we are creating after having made amazing strides forward. Look around you, this is not the 1800’s, the 1900’s or even 1950 any longer. We still have a way to go, but not this way. Not by breeding hate and prejudice, not by standing on the past and down playing the great changes that have already have taken place.

You feel as if you should be punished and held accountable for something that happened long ago or that even if it happens now, you aren’t part of. You buy into this … well I am xyz… so I am part of the problem. No you are not, not unless you really are, but somehow I don’t think you are. Very few people are truly psychopathic and sociopathic, but you are trying to align yourself with those behaviors.

Do you have any idea how many people expect the worst from someone else just because of listening to propaganda, rumors, and stupidity. Or because they just judge you by what you look like? Are there bad people out there? Hell yeah, but most people are not. So judging everyone by the few bad people, is not a great way of living.

Let me ask you this darlings:

Your Great Grand Grand Father or Mother committed a crime against someone else. He or she didn’t get punished for it for whatever reason. They had children, and those children had children, and those children had children, all the way to you. Do you think that all those generations of children and including you should have to go to Prison for the crime your Ancestor committed or make reparations for that crime even so you and many generations in between have not even been alive to stop it? If you answered yes, then you are part of the problem and not the solution. You are holding on to an old old wrong and hatred, and refuse to move forward into something better for everyone. You have to let go of the past, before you can create a good future.

Before you misunderstand me or twist my words (I can already see some of you gearing up to) let me stop you and clarify something. I didn’t say that committing that crime was right and that the guilty person should not have been punished. I do NOT condone the horrors of the past, for any Country, for any people, because you better read your History books very closely, not one nation, not one group of people, not one color of skin is without guilt in the past. WE as human beings have been terrible towards one another for a very long time. OUR Ancestors and even some of OUR contemporaries know nothing but hate, anger and misery and they want to pass it on to you. PLEASE don’t let that happen.

AS human beings we have this idea that only we or our “group” of people ( I hate that thought because we shouldn’t even think that way) know what struggle is. That is so much BS because everyone struggles in some way. We are more alike than you think, but in today’s society that is not ok to point out, because for some reason it is seen as diminishing the struggle of someone else. No it’s not, this is not about who struggles the most, it’s about all of us struggling in some way. It will not be¬† until we can get over this …”But only my struggle matters” attitude, that we can get better.

Parents, whoever you may be, please listen …

Mom’s, you are the lifeblood of your family, and Dad’s you are it’s strength and protection. When you apologize for being born a certain way because you are being taught that it is the only right thing to do, you teach your children self-loathing, repressed anger, disgust, injustice, and so much more.

When you tell your children that just because they are xyz (be that color, gender, or whatever triggers your feelings and forced upon you guilt) they have to work harder and try harder than anyone else or you try to make yourself look more like another race because society tells you it’s “beautiful” etc or that only those people have the power, you are not doing your children any favors. When you tell your children that because they were born a certain way they should feel guilty for “privileges” that they may never have in their life, but are assigned to them because of their color because they assume that they have them, then you are not doing a good thing.

You are parroting what you were told as children, and what your parents were told as children, and now you are continuing it on into the next generation. You are keeping the hatred alive not stopping it. I know it’s hard to change when you see unfairness everywhere, but you are looking for that unfairness and are blind to the progress that was made.

As for me…

NO CHILD will ever be allowed in my presence to put any other child of any color or of any gender down, not call a Dolly ugly because some stupid freaking Adults keep teaching them that. That is child abuse! I will not have it, I will speak gently and lovingly and teach that child that no matter who you are and what color you are or what gender you are or what background you come from, you are special and that you are loved and that you are beautiful just the way you are. That you deserve to reach for your dreams and that if you work hard, take your education serious, don’t commit crimes, don’t cave in to peer pressure, you have the same chances everyone else does to get your dream.

I am sorry if it offends you that I refuse to teach children to struggle, and that I just about have given up on all of the Adults out there now. Maybe we all have become so jaded and victimized by now that we can’t stop, but those children still have a chance. It’s not too late for them.

In the end..

Let me repost the lesson that started it all and I want you to think about  when next time you feel the need to apologize for something you had no control over and teach your children that this is what they should feel about them-selves and others.

Step gently, speak softly, love deeply, dream big, forgive, but never forget the mistakes of the past. Don’t dwell at what has come before, but rather learn to do better. Fear not the changes, but embrace that with each end comes a new beginning. Do not apologize for things you did not have control over, do not apologize for being born, and most of all do not assume that just because you scream the loudest you are always right.

Happy Holidays to you all regardless of what you celebrate or if you even celebrate. Remember this always, no matter who you are —-

YOU MATTER!

With love

Regina L.

 

 

 

Oh yee holidays

“Oh look George, we are smack dab in the Holidays again! Buckle down ole friend, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.”

Forgive me a moment of nostalgia, but the Holidays always seem to do that to me. Is it ok to admit that you miss your loved ones? I hope so, but you know how things are.

When my kids were still well kids instead of the Adults they grew into by now, we were very close and enjoyed the Holidays together. It was a hodgepodge of celebration actually since I am a Witch and their birth father was a Christian. I tried to raise them with a mind to just enjoy the Season for what it was – a resting of the seasons, a time for reflection, and a hopefully a season of kindness, love and joy.

So we celebrated the Holidays literally all month long in December with both a Christmas Tree and the various Pagan symbols that are part of Yule.

We sang Christmas Carols and Pagan Songs side by side, mixed in with the fun songs that came from the old Christmas Cartoons and Disney Movies. We made homemade decorations and cooked way too many feasts. There was always some kind of a flour mess on the tables whenever we had an Oven to bake cookies in.

I did a lot of moving around during those times. My job back then had me stay with my family in a lot of different Motels and Hotels throughout the United States. I wish I would have gotten an RV back then, it would have been better, but you know that saying about Hindsight being 20 / 20?

At some point I lived in Montana – Emmigrant – on a Cattle Ranch. My back than Husband was working up in the Hunting Lodge and I was down on some land with the monster squad (giggles) in a Mobile Home, doing my business during the early morning until late afternoon hours and after that it was Family Time.

It was pretty much just me and the tribe of little wild Induns (don’t even go PC on me here, that’s what I used to call ’em among¬† many other goofy things). We’d go outside and gather reeds and other things off the ground (with permission from the owner of the land) and while the Dinner was bubbling on the stove, I was making Christmas Wreaths, sewed some new clothing for them by hand, or did a million other old fashioned domestic things that are largely forgotten these days.

All while my kids sat there and took turns reading books to me or doing their Homework, some projects of their own either knitting, crocheting, sewing, crafting etc. Yes, I taught my munchkins those things too.

The funny thing is that during those times, back then so many years ago now, we didn’t have a lot of money, but we had tons of love between us.

I would make up stories for them and at night would hand write them out and illustrate them, then bind them into a book by hand and store them away for Christmas presents. Those stories were always about them in some magical land, doing silly things and learning important lessons.

My son Alex became “Greenby” the Elf, my daughter Imp was “Snowflake” one of the magical winter Elf children, and my daughter Diana became “Ornament” who was always more concerned with making everything pretty then anything else. My mischief maker, my studious bookworm, and my wanna be diva. LOL, I swear my genes got split into 3 very specific types because each one of them had something from me in them in spades.

In those books I would handle difficult situations that they dealt with in their young life in a more fun and magical fashion and taught them that nothing in this world is black and white. I showed them the rainbow of life in my own way and especially during the holiday season.

Now each of my kids is living somewhere too far away for me to go there (financially with the RV it would just cost too much and the weather really isn’t good for it either) and / or they have their own life now and Mom would just get in the way.

Oh I am not feeling sorry about that, I raised them to have their own life and make their way as Adults in the world. I am proud of them.

For me so it is a very lonely time of the year. There is no place for a Tree in the RV, my travel companion hates the Holidays, and I get stuck like so many people feeling sad and alone during that time of the year.

You know they say… go and volunteer your time, do something nice for other people. I do that all year long in¬† small ways that nobody ever needs to hear or see about. It feels good but it really doesn’t elevate the loneliness and missing those long gone days.

So while you hear all the advertisements out there, see everyone gearing up for the Holiday spending and receiving, remember this. You look to your elderly and family members who don’t say a lot and don’t kick a big fuss about feeling sad and lonely during this time of year. There is a good chance that they are feeling it too and just don’t want to be a burden on you.

We think of the homeless, the outcasts, those who are obviously down and out and need help, but we always overlook the every day person who struggles along to live a life as well as they can. Often they are the ones who have that smile for you when you need it. That quick witted bit of silly on their lips to make you laugh. They seem so strong and put together all the time, and they are, but behind all of that amazing wonder of being just another regular Joe or Jane, there is often times a tear or an ocean of tears that nobody ever sees when they are shed.

Happy Holidays my dears!

Cordially yours

Regina